May 28, 2010

Change

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves: we must die in one life before we can enter into another! Anatole France


Change has been a big part of my life these last four years. It started with the divorce from my second husband. I really fought that one long and hard, trying for years to battle uphill against a mountain of issues. It was one of the toughest decisions I had to make. Unfortunately, there were too many variables out of my control.

In most things I don't mind change. I actually relish it. I get bored easily, and so a new challenge is always exciting and fun. But the changes I was about to go through, that I couldn't have forseen, were not fun, nor exciting. But they are making me into a different person, a better person, so I have and will continue to embrace them.

Two and a half years ago, a normal, ordinary day in my life would change everything I do, and how I do it. That simple injury (or so we thought), would develop into CRPS, and change my life forever.

How do you deal with a new disability? I wondered that myself, as months dragged on, and they could not find a reason for the continuing pain. I searched the library, the internet, all to no avail. Just like the doctors who couldn't tell me why I wasn't better, no one could tell me how to deal with this. They couldn't if they had wanted to....it is different for every single person.

So how do I cope? Most days I just grin and bear it. I take longer to do things, I may have to modify a simple thing like a spoon with a grip so that my hand can hold onto it, or I may have too many tremors, and have the kids jump in and help more.

Many people have complimented me on my attitude towards all of this. I don't know how to explain it, I know YHWH has MUCH to do with it, but I also think that my parents had a lot to do with it too. While it may seem a bit harsh, we weren't allowed to belly ache about every little cut and scrape on us. We grew up on 17 acres of woods and farm area...we were constantly getting hurt. Mom would check us to make sure it wasn't serious, and then out the door we went. A few tears, a bandaid if needed, but not much coddling. I am grateful for that.

I am not one to wallow in self pity most days. I have my bad days, when I had been planning something, but I wake up in the morning and the arm/shoulder will not cooperate whatsoever. Or I have a headache that feels like someone is driving over my head with a 40 ton truck, back and forth. But those are the days I just have to do what the physical therapist I had, told me to do 2 years ago "LISTEN TO YOUR BODY".

I also depend fully on YHWH. That is something that was hit or miss four years ago. Now, not a day goes by that I haven't spoken to him, grateful for the fact that somedays I can do more, somedays I can use my left arm better to make up for the right, and just grateful to be alive. I speak to him constantly during my day, and before I close my eyes at night, I thank him for all he is giving me, teaching me, and loving me.

No matter what your changes, and I know everyone is going through them, to some extreme or another, always go to YHWH first. Never, ever let him be last. He will be the ONE you can trust no matter what. And remember to breathe, and take it one day at a time. That is all you can do.

Shabbat Shalom!

4 comments:

  1. You know we know all about change right now...
    Some days I am all right with it, and some days, I just have to go sit alone and cry. But, you are correct... YHVH is with us and will never abandon us.
    I praise him that HE KNOWS, even when I do not.
    May you be blessed and cared for by YHVH as your husband.
    Love to you friend~ and Shalom~

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  2. Jacque,
    I think that was the hardest thing for me to accept...that HE has a plan for me, and even though he hasn't let me in on it yet, I still need to keep going. That's a tough pill to swallow for a former control freak lol.
    I am right there with you on the crying part. I always try to make sure that I do it away from the kids though. They stress enough about me, I don't need to make it worse.

    Keeping you and your family in constant prayer as you go through the transition.

    Hugs and Shalom!

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  3. You mention you needed to apply for $ help. Has it come yet? I am concerned for you. Hope you have happier days ahead. Please show more pictures of you and your family from time to time it helps me to see you and remember who to pray for. Thanks!

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  4. Rita,
    Thank you for your prayers, they are greatly appreciated!

    I am waiting a decision on my SSDI application, that could be September or so, before we hear.

    As for the local help, I am waiting. I have been super good with my landlord, so I don't forsee too much problem this month. He will understand. I have almost all the paperwork in, just waiting for appointments to be scheduled. They certainly make it a game of jumping through hoops to get everything in order.

    Be blessed

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