October 8, 2011

Lots on my mind...bit of a rant

I haven't posted lately, because frankly, I have been too busy feeling sorry for myself. Not a pretty thought, but I am all about keeping it real here. My daughter's job has cut her hours back to just Saturday and Sunday, so her check has dropped by nearly $100/wk. That is really cutting into the budget, since she is being a peach and stepping up to help with the utilities. My SSDI and child support cover the rent, but nothing else.
On top of that, after nearly 3 weeks of waiting to hear on having my food stamps increased to their former glory so that we can buy groceries, I find out that somehow, no one knows, they have lost my entire paper file. I am in the computer, but they decided not to call me and let me know this so that I could correct it. So now we are gathering the needed paperwork, so hopefully we can get that straightened out asap. Trust me, it is amazing what you can buy for $40, when you need to. We have managed to keep our heads above water for now.

My daughter will be starting to babysit her niece and nephew for $100/wk, which isn't much, but every bit helps. I am brainstorming ways that I can maybe bring in even a little bit of cash to help out, maybe online.

It's not like we live above our means, we have prepaid cell phones (except for mine, that I got while still working, to help build up my credit rating with a monthly payment). We have the bare minimum on cable because we cannot get more than one channel with the regular antenna where we live, and of course our internet. Then there is the electricity, which I am blessed to get a discount on through fuel assistance. And the propane for heating, cooking and hot water.

Never have I wished for electric heat, cooking, and water more than I do now. We have the 2nd highest electric rates in the country here in NH, thanks to many factors I won't go into right now. But this house is all propane. Not a bad deal, since we used just over 1000 gals last year, so I get a pretty good rate, even without being an employee anymore. But the woman I worked with at the company, is a victim....or she sees herself as one in every aspect of life. It is all about her. My daughter and I have managed to pay $400 in a month to cover the last $528 I owed on my account, before we need to get another delivery. I spoke to my former boss, and he was fine with this. Yet because this woman has a warped sense of right and wrong (and too many people put up with it because it is easier than confronting her), she has the new girl in the office calling me every 2 weeks, threatening to lock off my tanks. It is strictly out of spite, because I hurt my shoulder and had to leave, she seems to think I have "done" something to her.

Never mind the fact that during the first three weeks we went live with a completely new computer system, she was MIA from work, for a supposed illness. Never mind the fact that I did 30+ hours of overtime weekly, to keep my head barely above water during the first month and a half of the new system, because she made it perfectly clear she was against it, and would do the bare minimum. The boss came to depend on me, and it made her jealous. I didn't set out to be his "right hand girl"...it just happened. I was raised that if you are going to do a job, you do it to the best of your ability. Plain and simple. That is not how she was raised.

I have spoken to my former boss, via phone and email, and hopefully this issue is resolved for good. I am tired of having a bullseye on my back for some perceived "wrong" that she thinks I did to her. My fuel assistance appointment is in a few weeks, and that will get us a couple deliveries for the first few months of the heating season, until I do taxes and can get more money on my account. We will be looking into alternatives, like the oil filled electric radiators, to help cut down the propane cost.

Yes, a bit of a rant and feeling sorry for myself. I didn't ask to be back in this precarious situation. It is annoying, and to have someone like her to attack me at every chance hurts and makes me angry. I also do not like having to depend on my daughter for financial help. She should be saving her money to move out on her own.

But I know it will get better. As my mother says..."it can only get better". So I am researching ways to bring in some extra cash. We don't need a lot, just enough to cover the utilities, and maybe put a tiny bit away in the savings account.

If I could convince my parents to let me use my brother's RV on my property, a lot of financial issues would be resolved. I could use the $900 + that I spend on rent to go towards putting in a septic, well and foundation for our own place. Sadly, at 45, in some respects I still have to answer to them. My kids are 100% ok with RV'ing it for a year or two while we get a home of some sort up. The town is ok with it, allowing what they call a "private campground permit" for up to 2 years, as long as you are making obvious progress on putting in a home.

Maybe my prayers will be answered and someone will have a 2nd hand mobile home they would let me have for a very low price (preferably monthly)....my parents would be ok with that being our home, while doing what we want to do on the land.

Just thinking out loud here....lots on my mind lately. But today is going to be near 80, after more than a week of cold and rainy weather. I am going to take advantage of that, and spend a good bulk of my day outside, in the sunshine and warmth. I need that....my mind, body and soul need that. Maybe it will help to clear my head. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, and it gets you nowhere. I need to remember to give my worries to G-d, and work to find a way to make our situation better. I am not asking for riches, just a bit of relief.


  1. Stephanie, I don't blame you for taking some rant time! So many difficult issues hitting you all at once. Any one by itself would be tough enough, but all at once sounds like more than a body can bear. I always figured the Almighty did it that way because its about the only way we will cast our burdens on Him!

    One thing I have learned from experience, is that when I take God at His word, and pray for my enemies, things change. It's not easy to pray for blessings for them and mean it, I even have to ask for the grace to do that, but when I can, and don't give up, something changes. Either their attitude or they get distracted with something else.

    I will certainly pray for you. You need grace! Grace to endure until things get better, grace to figure things out, grace to keep your focus on Him, grace to trust that He always, always has your best interests at heart and will work things out for you better than you could have imagined for yourself.