November 6, 2011

On Dating

In a recent post, I mentioned that I went on a date. I have since dated this particular gentleman 3 times. And daily phone calls from him, after I told him 3 phone calls a day was too much. I have since told him that it just isn't going to work, that there is no connection for me.

He is a very nice man, and there is nothing "wrong" with just wasn't a good fit for me. Now here is what I don't get....he asked me how I could know after just 3 meetings, and had my cold gone to my head.

I do not understand why people get nasty, nor invested too soon. Maybe I am overly cautious, but I am not willing to "settle" for something that doesn't feel right. I don't want fireworks and "love at first sight"...that just isn't realistic.

But I want something real. I may eventually find that, and I may not. But I am not willing to be with someone just so that I am not alone anymore. That is dishonest to myself, and to the other person, and will eventually cause the relationship to fail.

This man and I had less in common than I thought we did. I am passionate about homesteading/farming, and it is a non-negotiable fact that will be part of my life (ie: I will be on land in the next 5 yrs, with critters and my own grown food). He knew nothing about it, and had no passion for it. I want to move further south... he didn't.

There was just something about his mannerisms that annoyed me too. Not that there is anything wrong with him, because I am sure he is perfect for someone else....but when it was more of an annoyance to get his nightly phone call, then something isn't right. We had nothing to talk about, we don't share any passions. It just wasn't a good fit. Plain and simple...nothing mean about it. Just a fact of life.

Too often, especially it seems with men in my age group, they are willing to pretend to be someone else, in order to be with someone. Just so they are not alone anymore. That is sad. You are who you are....embrace it. There is someone out there for you, maybe not in a long term relationship situation, but even just as a close friend. Someone that you can talk to, share with, just enjoy being with. Don't pretend to be something else to please someone else's perception of you. Be proud of who you are.

Yes, all relationships require compromise...give and take...but not to the point that you are not true to yourself. Maybe I am a bit stuck in my own ways, or maybe...just maybe...I have learned a lot from past relationships.

So what do I want?
-I want a man who at least has a small passion for homesteading/farming, and wants to learn more through doing.

-I want what my daughter calls a good old fashioned "country boy". Yes I am very eclectic....I am a bit of a computer geek, I read A LOT, I love to learn...but ultimately I am a country gal. Simple, plain, prefer to be at home caring for my family, and want a similar man.

-I want a man who is willing to give up the frigid temps of the north, to eventually move to the southern part of the US...not deep south, more like "northern south" (NC, etc).

-I want a man who realizes that although my kiddos are teens, my kids are extremely important to me, I am very involved in their lives, and I cannot just drop everything with them. It seems that we are odd balls in this is important to us. Heck, I am 45 and still have almost daily phone calls with my mother. We are not the type of people who believe that once a child turns 18 they are on their own and our lives are our own.

-I want someone who is confident in who he is. This one seems to be the hardest one to find. We are all insecure inside about something, but to completely give up who you are, your passions, for someone else, is wrong.

Picky? Maybe....or maybe I just learned a lot from past relationships.


  1. I'm no expert in the field of relationships but I'd say you have it goin' in spades, Girl! You have it together!

    I think there are two main points to remember when dealing with most males. (Unfortunately, I do think this applies to most males.) 1) It is more difficult for them to live alone, and so they tend to choose to live with someone who will take care of them even though their choice in that partner is not made for the right reasons. 2) Most men in our society have HUGE egos that over-ride common sense. Example: The man telling you what you should or shouldn't feel in regards to your relationship to him and/or intimating you must not be thinking correctly to decline his companionship. Who the heck does he think he is to be telling you what you should think or feel? Big, fat over-inflated ego telling him he knows best . . . and refusing to listen (really listen) to what you are saying.

    But no matter, I wouldn't give him (or anyone else like him) another thought. You know what you want in a man and he is out there! Stick to your hopes, dreams and values and you'll find each other. In the meantime, you are doing a fantabulous job of making a rewarding, full life for yourself and your kids. Kudos to you!

    Boy, I really stepped up onto my Sunday Soapbox, didn't I?

  2. I am so glad you chimed in Mama Pea! I wasn't sure how this post would be received. Some may think I have an over-inflated wish list. I am just trying to be as realistic as possible. It won't suit everyone.
    I agree with everything you said about "most males"...just gotta find the right one for me:)

  3. I absolutely think you did the right thing and if his reaction to it annoyed you even more, then it's confirmation that he wasn't the guy for you! Being comfortable with self is probably key, obviously you don't feel that you "have" to have a man in your life or you'd settle for less than you believe in. Good for you!

  4. You bring up a good point Leigh, that took me years (and 2 marriages) to learn....I don't have to have a man in my life....I want a man in my life to be my partner. Big difference, but men don't seem to see it that way most times. Then again, most women don't either, that I know at least.
    Guess I am just that odd duck:P

  5. Stephanie, I want to come back and read your blog from the beginning, but we all know THAT ain't gonna happen soon enough! But, I did want to comment on this, the first of your posts I've read: it was GREAT! Well thought-out, well expressed. Bottom line, well said. I live so remotely and my town is so small that I have yet to experience even an interested man since my divorce over a year ago . . . but, I, too, CANNOT IMAGINE wasting my time on something that doesn't feel 100% right. Some days, I feel like that makes me "cold", but no . . . I just know who I am and am DONE with people who don't yet know themselves! Anyway, point is, I get it. Totally! :)

  6. I'd rather be with no one than the wrong one! I agree with you 100%.

  7. LOL Chicken Mama:) Thank you for visiting my blog, and for taking the time to read my post. And you are right, it's not about being cold, it's about knowing yourself, and what is right for you:)

  8. Peggi, couldn't have said it better myself!